


the past is a shackle, and i have no keys

by Anonymous



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Childhood Trauma, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-05 23:37:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12199539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Akechi and Ryuji get stuck in a closet. It's not nearly as funny as it sounds.





	the past is a shackle, and i have no keys

**Author's Note:**

> set sometime after akechi joins the crew.

"Move your arm, asshole, it's diggin' into my ribs!"

"Really, Ryuji," Goro replies, dryly. "There's no need to yell, I can hear you just fine. You're only about a foot away, after all."

"Yeah, whatever. This is all your fault, y'know." Ryuji growls.

" _My_ fault?" Goro lets a hint of incredulity bleed into his voice. "Oh yes, because _I'm_ the one who left the key to this closet in the keyhole, was I?"

"How was I supposed to know that this thing had the kinda door that locks when you close it?!" Goro can feel Ryuji try to take a deep breath, probably to yell at him more. "Shit, ow. Okay, seriously. Move your damn arm, it's really starting to hurt."

Goro sighs. "If you want me to move my arm, how about _you_ move your feet, first? I can't even stand up straight here, there's some kind of shelf in the way."

"Wait. Shit, really? Okay, fine, lemme see…" Ryuji sounds surprised, like he didn't know where exactly where Goro was standing. He… might not, actually. The light seeping through the cracks in the doorframe wasn't really strong enough to see anything more than vague silhouettes.

There's the sound of shuffling and clanking, and Goro can feel Ryuji shift. "Okay, this could work. There's… some kinda big box next to my right leg. Can you see that? Should be some space near it now, I think?"

Goro tentatively raises his left foot— the one that isn't taking any weight at all at the moment— and tries to step over. Unfortunately, this is when whatever it is that his right leg is standing on decides to collapse in on itself. Goro lurches forwards with a yelp, and tries to catch himself unsuccessfully. He slams face first into something warm and solid, and it wheezes.

"Dude, _what the hell_?" Ah. That'd be Ryuji, then.

"Sorry, lost my balance." Goro apologizes into Ryuji's shirt. He flounders around for a second, trying to get back up, when Ryuji grabs him by the shoulders and pushes him back slightly.

"Ah, forget it. I guess it coulda been worse. It'd be a pain if you'd actually gotten hurt 'cause you fell."

Goro smiles as he takes the opportunity to stretch. His spine cracks, audibly, and he sighs. Ah, that feels much better. Honestly, how did Ryuji walk around all day with posture like that? Didn't it cause him any trouble at all? Honestly, maybe he—

"…hey. Er." Ryuji speaks up again, in a slightly higher pitched voice. "You, uh. Mind stepping back a little."

Huh? What was wrong now… oh dear. Goro hadn't thought— This position, it, ah— hm.

This was… a bit of a compromising position, wasn't it? Ryuji was probably braced against the juncture of two walls so that his bad leg wasn't taking any weight, if Goro had read things correctly. And now, Goro himself was standing in a sort of awkwardly off balance half-lunge, such that his entire left side was pressed up against Ryuji's. If he shifted slightly, he—

Ryuji squeaks and Goro freezes. Oh, that was— Yes, that definitely was, ah. Okay.

Goro retracts his previous statement. This was an _extremely_ compromising position.

"Oh my god move your goddamn leg _please_." Goro imagines that Ryuji must be blushing as fiercely as he is, in this moment. He yanks his left leg back.

It… doesn't budge. Shit. He must have put his left foot down so fast it had become wedged between two boxes. In the tiny closet, he didn't have the leverage to get it back out again. It was quite firmly stuck.

"My foot's caught on something. I can't move."

"…You gotta be kidding." Ryuji says, in flat disbelief.

"Unfortunately, no."

"God _damn_ it." Ryuji hisses out a sigh. Judging by the shuffling sounds, he's probably trying to move as far away from Goro as possible, not that Goro could fault him for that. It's just unfortunate that there's nowhere to _go_. It's a pathetically tiny closet, and Goro is currently, regrettably, pinning Ryuji into a corner. Two highschoolers, trapped in a supply closet in a compromising position… god. This was the kind of thing that happened in badly written shoujo manga, not real life. Goro can never let anyone know that this happened.

Wait, actually, they were locked in here, weren't they? They'd have to be let out by someone. _Shit_. If this got out to the tabloids…

Damage control. Who did Goro know that would be least likely to take easily misconstrued photos to sell to the press? Sae was a no go— actually, everyone from his job was out. Which left… basically nobody, if he had to be brutally honest. It was a bit sad, when Goro thinks about it.

Well, what about Akira? Hm. He'd probably take pictures, though. Scratch that, he'd definitely take pictures, Goro can practically see that smugly catlike half-smile of his already. But if he sold them to the press, then he'd be damaging Ryuji's reputation along with Goro's. Would he do that to a close friend? Probably not. Decision made, Goro speaks up again. "Ryuji. Can you call or text Akira, and let him know where we are?"

"Oh! Yeah, totally. Why didn’t I think of that earlier?" Ryuji opens his phone, and the sudden light makes Goro squint. As Ryuji types, Goro takes the opportunity to look around.

The closet is maybe only eight square feet, and cramped not only because of the two high schoolers trapped inside, but also because of formerly neat stacks of boxes that had been scattered everywhere. No wonder Goro couldn't find a stable place to put his feet. There's a set of shelves behind Goro at about shoulder height, and what seems to be a basket of cleaning supplies, against the lower part of the corner that Ryuji is leaning against. Goro inspects the handle of the door. Nope, still locked. There's a light above them, but the light switch is outside. There's nothing they can do but wait for rescue.

"Shit, Akira's not answering my texts." Ryuji grouses. "I think he's probably out doin' stuff, then. Who knows when he's gonna check his phone."

Goro frowns. "Well, what about the others? There has to be someone who’s free."

"Not really? Ann's busy with work, Makoto has her student council shit, Haru's got more business meetings today, Yusuke… might have his phone turned off if he's working, like _hell_ I'm asking Futaba, and Morgana doesn't have a phone." Ryuji finishes listing them off.

"So you’re saying that we'll just have to wait for Akira, then." Goro concludes.

Ryuji sighs. "Dammit, I guess so."

"How long do you think we're going to be in here?" Goro muses out loud. "I hope it doesn’t get too stuffy in here. Breathing humid air always makes me feel like I’m suffocating slowly."

Ryuji's breath catches. "Don't even _joke_ about that, what the hell."

Goro's taken by surprise. Ryuji sounds legitimately unnerved by the thought. "Excuse me?"

"What the _eff_ , dude, why'd you hafta go and say that, now I can't stop thinking about it!"

Goro takes what he hopes is a reasonable and reassuring tone. "... We're not actually going to suffocate in here, Ryuji. The door isn't airtight in the slightest, we’ll be fine."

"You think I don't _know_ that!?" Ryuji hisses venomously. "I don't— I'm not— shit! Shit, shit, shit! _Fuck!_ You don't have to say that it's stupid! I know that! I know we aren't going to die in here or whatever, but I can't— Rrrrrgh!" Ryuji makes a sudden movement with his arm, barely missing Goro. Thud.

"It's stupid!" Thud.

"It's _stupid_!" Thud.

Wait, was Ryuji hitting himself? Why? He grabs wildly for Ryuji's hand. "What on— hey! Ryuji, what are you doing?! Stop that!"

Goro finally gets a good grip on Ryuji's arm, though he can't stop it from impacting Ryuji's chest one last time. He pins the arm down. "Ryuji, _what_."

Ryuji's trembling, and he can barely get words out."I dunno, I just get stupid sometimes, and my chest starts hurtin' like I'm gonna cry? But I'm not going to cry, and I feel fine, but this stupid piece of shit body keeps on telling me I hafta! So, y'know. It kinda helps, a bit? Hittin' myself, that is."

Goro starts to get a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "I… Ryuji, I'm fairly certain you just described a panic attack. I don’t think that how you're supposed to deal with those."

"There's a name for it? I didn't think it was a real thing. And I dunno, but it works sometimes for me? I'm just. I hate this feeling so much, I shouldn't even be scared, I know that—"

"Hey. Hey, it's alright." On an impulse, Goro pulls Ryuji close and begins rubbing small circles into his back with his thumb. This kind of thing helped, didn't it? Ryuji stiffens up at first when Goro first wraps his arms around him. But as Goro keeps it up, he starts relaxing by inches. When Ryuji stops trembling, Goro speaks up again.

"Better?" Goro asks, quietly.

"Yeah, I think. I— Thanks, man." Ryuji says in a small voice. "Sorry, I'm just no good with small spaces."

 _He's claustrophobic._ Goro blinks in surprise, not that anyone can see it. This is not what he'd expected to be learning about Ryuji today. He keeps rubbing small circles into Ryuji's back even though his hand is starting to get a little bit tired. He's careful to keep his voice low and soothing even as he remarks, "Yes, I think I've noticed. Has this always been a problem for you, or…?"

"I… kinda? I used to hide from my drunk piece of shit dad when I was real little, and one time he found out my hiding spot. He thought it'd be funny to block the door and leave me in there. I was so scared I accidentally pulled down a whole bunch of boxes and I couldn't _move_ and it sucked. A lot." Ryuji tucks his head into the side of Goro's neck like he's trying to hide his shame. He says, miserably, "Mom didn't find me until _hours_ later, and I've hated small spaces ever since."

"That's awful." Goro says, with perfect sincerity. "Do the rest of the Phantom Thieves know?"

"No!" Shit. That was the wrong question to ask, and Goro should have known that. He'd let his curiosity get the better of him, and now all his progress was wasted.

Ryuji's upper arms are still pinned to his sides by Goro's embrace, but he still manages to grab onto the back of Goro's shirt so hard that Goro thinks it might have torn, a little. "You can't tell _anyone_! Nobody knows about this, I never gave anyone the chance to find out, you can't tell. Not Akira or nobody, if you do I'll— I'll—"

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone," Goro tries to say.

Ryuji talks over him. "— not even my mom knows, okay, she thinks I'm over it—"

"Ryuji, I swear I'm not gonna tell!"

"— if she finds out I'm gonna straight up die of shame, I can't do this—"

This isn't working. Ryuji's slowly working himself up into a panic again, but if he won't accept a simple promise from Goro, then what could he offer— wait. That might work.

"I carry food with me everywhere!" Goro blurts out, loudly, interrupting Ryuji.

Ryuji's fingers loosen slightly from their death grip on Goro's shirt at the non sequitur. "Huh?"

"I," Goro repeats. "Carry food around with me everywhere. I have two packs of peanuts in my coat pockets right now. Which I probably should take out, actually— I once forgot an open pack of hard candy in my coat and dyed all my white shirts grape, it was terrible. But… I can't bring myself to stop."

In the silence after Goro trailed off, he thinks that he can hear Ryuji's shaky breaths even out again by a fraction.

"Why not?" Ryuji asks, sounding tentatively curious.

Ah. Goro hadn't thought this through. He's actually going to have to tell Ryuji that his— Dammit. Too late for regrets.

“My mother." Goro swallows around the lump in his throat, and continues. "Well. She never had a steady job, really. So sometimes, if it was a choice between rent or dinner, we just. Wouldn’t eat."

"Did… did that happen a lot?" Ryuji asks, quietly.

Goro shrugs. "Often enough. When I finally got my own apartment and a stipend a year or so back, the first thing I did was buy a frankly stupid amount of food and eat myself sick. Objectively, I know that I have enough money to buy my own food now. But, you know what? It's comforting to know that I have a little something with me at all times." He closes his eyes. "There. Now you have collateral. You have a secret of mine, too, and if I say anything, so can you."

"I…oh. You didn't need to do that for me, man." Ryuji says, awkwardly. "But… thanks. I dunno, I’m just… it’s embarrassing thing to get scared of, and it reminds me of my effin’ dad and it’s so hard to calm back down by myself but I always thought people would laugh at me if I said anything? And it’s like, I always get a feeling like I did something bad, and this is just my punishment."

"Don’t _say_ that.” Goro hugs Ryuji harder.

“Sometimes life just decides to screw you over, and there's nothing you can really do about it. If you’re scared, you’re scared. It’s not your fault, it’s just the world being awful and unjust.” Goro can’t tell if he’s speaking to Ryuji or himself. “But I suppose it always helps to know that there's someone who understands, even just a little bit."

Ryuji laughs lightly. “Jeez, how do you always manage to sound so on top of things? Man…”

“Practice,” replies Goro dryly.

Ryuji laughs again, and keeps laughing, until he eventually trails off into an almost drunk sounding giggle. His head droops onto Goro’s shoulder. Er. Was— Was Ryuji okay? “Ryuji?”

“M’right here.” His breath on Goro’s neck tickles. “Hey, Akechi? S’gonna sound kinda weird, but… can we stay like this?”

Akechi blinks. “What? Like, do you want me to keep hugging you, or…”

“Yeah.” Ryuji yawns.

 _Ah_. It finally clicks for Goro. Ryuji’s probably just tired himself out. Understandable, really. “If you’d like, I suppose I’m not opposed to it?”

“Mmmmnh. Thanks.” Ryuji adjusts his grip on Goro’s shirt. “I can hear your heartbeat. S’nice. You’re nice. N’warm.”

“I…” Goro doesn’t know how to respond to that.

So he doesn’t.

When Akira shows up, half an hour later, Ryuji’s fast asleep in Goro’s arms. While it’s a relief to finally extricate himself from the mess (his left foot is, by now, _completely_ numb), Goro still feels an odd sense of loss, perhaps, when Ryuji blinks awake and lets go of Goro. It’s silly, but here, back in the light of the hallway, none of it felt real— not Ryuji’s vulnerability, nor the spot of absurd affection Goro had had in response. He sneaks a glance over at Ryuji, who’s enduring gentle ribbing from Akira. He doesn’t seem to be affected at all.

Goro shakes his head, slightly. Well, that was alright. If that was how it was going to be… Goro could manage. What had been said in the closet could stay in there, for all he cared. It was none of his business.

(Like Goro had predicted, Akira had, in fact, taken pictures. But instead of posting them to the group chat, he sends them all to Goro by a private message, later. A bit cryptic and baffling. Goro gets a vague, paranoid feeling about Futaba infiltrating his phone with viruses hidden in the pictures or something. It’s probably a good idea to just delete them.)

(...)

(He still saves all of the pictures to his phone, anyways.)


End file.
